Columbo vs 45

Columbo and I discussing the case

Columbo: Excuse me, sir. I’m Lieutenant Columbo from the LAPD. This is my partner, Lieutenant Scotto. We’re here to ask you some questions about your former boss, Donald Trump.

Mar-a-Lago Employee: What? Who are you? Get out of here!

Scotto: Sir, please calm down. We’re not here to harm you. We just want to know the truth.

Columbo: Yes, sir. The truth. You see, we have evidence that your former boss was involved in some serious crimes. He obstructed justice 37 times in a federal case related to his handling of classified documents at this resort. He also falsified business records 34 times in a state case related to his hush-money payments to women before the 2016 election. He pleaded not guilty to both charges, but we have reason to believe he’s lying.

Mar-a-Lago Employee: That’s fake news! You have no proof! You’re part of the witch hunt! You’re working for the deep state!

Scotto: Sir, please don’t insult our intelligence. We have documents, tapes, testimonies, and more. We have everything we need to prove his guilt beyond a reasonable doubt.

Columbo: That’s right, sir. And we also have something else. Something that you might not expect.

Mar-a-Lago Employee: What? What do you have?

Columbo: Well, sir, it’s like this. You see, my partner here is not just a regular detective. He’s also a former FBI agent. A former FBI agent who worked on both of the cases against Trump.

Mar-a-Lago Employee: What? That’s impossible! That’s a conflict of interest! That’s illegal!

Scotto: No, sir. It’s not impossible. It’s not a conflict of interest. It’s not illegal. It’s perfectly legal and ethical. And it’s very relevant.

Mar-a-Lago Employee: What? How? How is it relevant?

Scotto: It’s relevant because I know everything about your case, sir. I know every detail, every fact, every witness, every piece of evidence. I know everything that you did and everything that you tried to hide.

Mar-a-Lago Employee: What? No! You can’t know that! You can’t prove that!

Scotto: Oh, but I can, sir. And I will. And I’ll make sure that you cooperate with us.

Mar-a-Lago Employee: No! No! Please! Please! Have mercy! Have pity!

Scotto: Sorry, sir. But you have shown no mercy or pity to anyone. You have shown only loyalty and obedience to a criminal and a traitor. You have shown only contempt for the law and the country and the world. You have shown only evil.

Mar-a-Lago Employee: No! No! Stop! Stop!

Scotto: Don’t worry, sir. We’re not going to hurt you. We’re just going to take you to a secure location where we can talk more.

Mar-a-Lago Employee: No! No! Let me go! Let me go!

Columbo: Sorry, sir. But you have to come with us. You see, you’re a key witness in this case. You have valuable information that can help us bring down Trump and his associates.

Mar-a-Lago Employee: No! No! I don’t know anything! I don’t have anything!

Columbo: Oh, come on, sir. Don’t play dumb with us. We know you know a lot. We know you have a lot. We know you have access to Trump’s secret vault where he keeps all his classified documents and other incriminating evidence.

Mar-a-Lago Employee: What? How? How do you know that?

Columbo: Well, sir, it’s like this. You see, we have a source inside Mar-a-Lago. A source who has been working with us for a long time. A source who knows everything that goes on here.

Mar-a-Lago Employee: What? Who? Who is it?

Columbo: Well, sir, it’s someone you know very well. Someone you trust very much. Someone who is very close to you.

Mar-a-Lago Employee: Who? Who is it?

Columbo: It’s your wife, sir.

Mar-a-Lago Employee: What? My wife? No! No! That can’t be!

Columbo: Yes, sir. Your wife. She’s been working with us for months. She’s been feeding us information and evidence. She’s been helping us build our case against Trump and his cronies.

Mar-a-Lago Employee: No! No! That’s a lie! That’s a lie!

Columbo: No, sir. It’s not a lie. It’s the truth. And here she is now.

*The door opens and the employee’s wife enters*

Wife: Hello, honey.

Mar-a-Lago Employee: No! No! How could you? How could you do this to me?

Wife: I’m sorry, honey. But I had to do it. I had to do it for the sake of our country. For the sake of our children. For the sake of our future.

Mar-a-Lago Employee: No! No! You betrayed me! You betrayed me!

Wife: No, honey. I didn’t betray you. I saved you. I saved you from yourself. I saved you from Trump.

Mar-a-Lago Employee: No! No! You ruined me! You ruined me!

Wife: No, honey. I love you. I love you more than anything.

Mar-a-Lago Employee: No! No! You don’t love me! You don’t love me!

Wife: Yes, honey. I do love you. And that’s why I’m here to help you. To help you tell the truth. To help you make things right.

Mar-a-Lago Employee: No! No! Leave me alone! Leave me alone!

Wife: Honey, please. Please listen to me. Please cooperate with them. Please tell them everything you know.

Mar-a-Lago Employee: No! No! I won’t! I won’t!

Wife: Honey, please. Please don’t make this harder than it has to be. Please don’t make them use force.

Mar-a-Lago Employee: No! No! Get away from me! Get away from me!

Wife: Honey, please

*The employee breaks down and starts sobbing*

Columbo: Well, that’s that, then. Good job, partner.

Scotto: Thank you, Lieutenant. You too.

Columbo: And good job to you too, ma’am.

Wife: Thank you, Lieutenant.

Columbo: So, what do you say we go get some coffee? Maybe some donuts?

Scotto: Sure, why not? I could use a break.

Wife: Me too.

Columbo: Great. Let’s go then.

*They walk out of the office, leaving the employee alone and distraught*

The End.

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