Interviewer: Sir, how often should one evacuate one’s bowels?
Dr. John Harvey Kellogg: One should never, ever, interrupt one’s desire to defecate. I have inquired at the Bronx and London Zoos as to the daily bowel evacuations of primates. It is not once, twice, or three times, sir, but four. At the end of an average day, their cages are filled with a veritable mountain of natural health.
Interviewer: And, sex?
Dr. John Harvey Kellogg: Sex is the sewer drain of a healthy body, sir! Any use of the sexual act other than procreation is a waste of vital energy! Wasted seeds are wasted lives!
Interviewer: Uh, eating meat?
Dr. John Harvey Kellogg: “He that killeth the ox is as if he slew a man.” Each juicy morsel of meat is alive, and swarming with the same filth as found in the carcass of a dead rat. Meat eaters, sir, are drowning in a tide of gore. What is a sausage? A sausage is an indigestible balloon of decayed beef, riddled with tuberculosis. Eat and die! For I have seen many a repentant meat glutton his body full of uric acid and remorse, his soul adrift on the raft in the ocean of poisonous slime, sloshin’ against the walls of the body’s kitchen.
Interviewer: Smoking?
Dr. John Harvey Kellogg: The liver is the only thing standing between the smoker and death! Also certain other things have to be avoided… like, uh, feather beds, and romantic novels… and the, uh, touching of one’s organs. Masturbation is the silent killer of the night! The vilest sin of self-pollution! It is the sin of Onan!
Interviewer: Uh, Dr. Kellogg, how did you come to invent the corn flake?
Dr. John Harvey Kellogg: The corn flake, sir, is just one of my 75 creations for heathy livin’, among them peanut butter and the electric blanket.
Interviewer: And what about your imitators? There are 103 other corn flakes presently being manufactured here in Battle Creek!
Dr. John Harvey Kellogg: Sir, corn is the injuns gift to the new world, and the corn flake is my gift to the entire world.
Interviewer: And what do you think about your brother?
Dr. John Harvey Kellogg: My brother, W.K. Kellogg, worked for me as a low-paid assistant for many years. Now he’s off on his own and amassin’ fortunes with my corn flake invention. Unfortunately, he has chosen the family name to promote it. But the whole world knows only one Kellogg: me, Dr. John Harvey Kellogg! Surgeon, inventor, author, and crusader for biological livin’! I do not seek monetary rewards, for I am called to a greater glory. Here at the Battle Creek Sanitarium, the spirits soar, the mind is educated, and the bowels—the bowels are born again!