I heard about this thing called country music. I’m still pretty sure that it’s a big group of cowboys that are playing the world’s largest practical joke since Mormonism. And some day, they’re all gonna take off their cowboy hats and chaps and say, “Got you!! Ha ha! Oh man, you guys totally bought it!”
Monthly Archives: May 2000
Ok. Does anyone out there know what this is for, and why someone would want a soupy mouse?
hugh downs digging up mummies… (seanbaby was here!)
May 30th, 2000 – Hugh Downs vs. the Mummy
One week ago, Fox took some time off filming cop cars crashing into gasoline trucks and televising home movies of cats clamping onto crotches to show us something different. A full camera crew led by actor Bill Pullman and undead Hugh Downs went into an ancient tomb to dig up 30 mummies. I guess it’s how rich people attempt suicide. Not like my neighbor who keeps trying to end it all by standing outside with a note and holding his breath really long. But Hugh, it does seem like for all the money you spent, you could have died a horrible death without desecrating graves. If you want a 5 million dollar suicide, how about buying Alyssa Milano, coating her in poison, and eating her?
Millions of people watched the show, and not because of our fascination with Egyptology. If we gave a damn about that crap, there wouldn’t be so many empty parking spaces at the museum. That place is more deserted than the makeout room at a Star Trek convention. Speaking of, here’s some free advice about museums and romance: If you need to fuck in your car, it doesn’t matter what time it is, the one place no one’s going to bother you is the museum parking lot. You can dump dead bodies in the middle of the museum parking lot. And even if someone actually does show up years later and finds them, they’ll just think it’s a couple of bodies that fell off the mummy truck. Remember — that’s exactly what you thought when you walked in on your grandparents in the bedroom.
We didn’t tune in to learn about the mysterious history of pharoahs, mummification techniques, and featurettes with actors that starred in movies about mummies. The people making the show thought we did, but they were as wrong as that time they invited Sonny and Cher on Scooby Doo. We only sat through that garbage to see the finale — when Hugh Downs is torn to pieces by the living dead angered by the desecration of their eternal resting places. We wanted to watch Hugh Downs’ last moments while he’s melting in front of the camera crew and screaming, “The mummy’s flame — it burns EVEN MY SOUL!!!!!”
UPDATE: It’s been a week since they desecrated the ancient tomb, and there’s still no word of Hugh Downs, Bill Pullman, or any of the crew being hit by meteors or spontaneously exploding. If no one dies of curse-related causes in the next 30 days, Fox promises to try again with their special, “Barbara Walters Takes a Dump on Indian Burial Ground with Jeff Daniels and Elton John.”
EDITORIAL:
I think their decision on hosts was good. Hugh Downs may not be able to read a cue card anymore and has to be held up with strings, but he’s perfect for this show. Since he’s already half-mummy, he can translate.
To be honest, neither I or anybody I know watched it all the way to the end. After I saw a couple of mummies dug out of their graves, it was pretty obvious the only Secrets of the Mummy’s Tomb were that they are very old and very dead. Hey, Hugh Downs, I already knew that. You should have called me before you cameled over all that camera equipment. I could have saved you a trip, and you wouldn’t be stuck with a cargo plane full of dusty corpses and a deadly curse. Seriously, if Hugh Downs makes it another month without stepping in front of a bus or getting a hole dug through him by a fantastic superbaby, I’ll be amazed.
Actually, I have a better theory. Hugh Downs is already dead. He fell into piles of chunks on the flight back. He was probably sitting in his cushioned private jet with a glass of port saying, “You see, everyone! Ha ha ha! There’s no such thing as the curse of the RAAAAAGGGGGG!” His lower jaw detached and dropped into his glass, his legs turned into cobras, and then he noticed his chair was made out of flesh eating bugs. The Hugh Downs the senior citizen demographic is knitting in front of right now is an android. You know, I bet he’s been an android for at least three or four seasons of 60 Minutes. If he wasn’t, he’d be like 108. Not that it matters. They could prop a corpse up on that damn show and let it do the news. The only people that watch it can’t stay awake past the opening watching ticking anyway.
Back to the casting decisions — Bill Pullman might seem like a weird guy to lead a mummy excavation, but he was the best choice. Not because he’s a great digger, and definitely not for his broadcast skills, but because he might be able to fight them off when they snap to life and hunger for living brains. You saw him in that shitty movie Independence Day. He could probably kill 4 mummies. Five if he found a big stick or a torch. And if he kills them all, great. But if he doesn’t and they turn HIM into one of the mummified dead, no big deal. We can deal with a rampaging Bill Pullman mummy. If we sent Bruce Willis or Danny Glover in and one of them got turned into a mummy, we’d be fucking dead. Once those guys came stumbling at us, our only chance would be to get in a rocket and find a new planet. And even that wouldn’t work. While we’re taking off, the Bruce Willis mummy would be hanging on the outside of the rocket growling something in mummy that translates to “Nice rocket. You know what else is going to fly away from its home soon? YOUR FACE, PAL.” And the Danny Glover mummy would already be inside beating us to death with our own space helmets saying, “I was gettin’ too old for this shit TEN THOUSAND YEARS AGO!”
Now that I think it through, maybe our planet is a small price to pay to see that.
Folks in general…
Sort of thinking about what people have been writing in different journals, and folks I’ve been talking to lately. A strong preoccupation with death, breakup, sickness and sadness, and a sidebar of happiness and fresh romance. So many folks are dwelling on the negative, and instead of doing something constructive to fix it, prefer to gripe about it… I’m more comfortable being a little proactive, if my head hurts, I’ll take an asprin, or see the doctor if a reasonable amount of time passes, cost be damned. Money problems are the easiest to avoid, in my mind, better than having cancer or any other undue stresses. I think some folks put too much stock in love too, it’s nice to love, and to be loved, but if you’re not getting it, or giving it, that’s a situation that can be changed too. Honesty, peppered with diplomacy (for those folks who are unable or unwilling to hear your version of the truth) is the best answer for talking to anyone. My biggest personal worry now is for Newton, but he’s been taking his meds within a reasonable amount of fighting, and I need ot call the vet for another checkup. (This is the same vet that gave me Fritz, the kitty that died and spread his parasite to Newt… my confidence in him is not very strong.) Newt’s been very frisky, and eating and drinkng ok, so Im’ not too worried, just the paranoid parewnt level that doesn’t want anything bad to happen to someone cared about. April’s still a little jealous that Newt’ll sleep with me, and won’t really come to her when I’m in the room. I tried to explain to her that I’ve known Newt longer, and bottle fed him, so there’s a little mommy-baby bond between me and him, but she’s not really getting it. I didn’t hear much from my buddies this weekend, but nor did I call them. Spent it watching Movies, and comforting April during her flow. Today’s April’s first day at Barnies, and I hope she has a good time… once her joblessness is covered, we can start scheduling workout/gym time to meet our best times. We walked to the beach last night, but I think I started to get irritable with her, because I’m not a fan of folks with jaywalking deathwishes,and I barked a bit at her for that. Aside from that transgression, its been a pretty snuggly time, but I have to get her to go to a doctor for an exam. (Maybe Barnies has a good insurance situation.)
I am so glad that I have the day off, and thanks to all you folks that fought the good fight wherever and whenever you did so. I’m spending the day in, and plannig on enjoynig my rights by gettin pizza and watching the tube with kitty by my side. 🙂 Hope you guys are having a great day too!
125 things about Scotto (apologies to Punquin :) )
001. full name is Gregory Prescott von Berg III
002. was born at 8:30 am on Sunday, February 2nd, 1969 (Aquarius)
003. used to be able to peel and eat bananas with his feet when he was little
004. sleeps with newton the cat (for 7 months), the remote control, phone and palm all right by bedside.
005. misses his brother in HI terribly.
006. loves art of any kind
007. sings in the shower, and when he forgets the words, talks like Dr klaw or makes up mumble / matchy words to fix it.
008. enjoys playing rpgs with good friends
009. enjoys doing anything with good friends, just about.
010. is very partial to Arizona honey iced tea and cherry coke.
011. loves Chinese, Italian, Mexican and Indian food
012. tries to read a good book at least once a week
013. was homeless for a month
014. has been a vegetarian since 1990, and was a vegan for a year
015. sleeps without pillows, but likes lots of blankets in poofy shapes to hug
016. is scared of extreme heights with little or no safety measures. (2 foot banisters are for tripping over, not protecting!)
017. collects ‘trophies’ from special places and people. Almost everyone he knows and loves has a representational trinket in his house
018. loves the mountains, but lives near beaches
019. loves to go barefoot, and rarely wears shoes.
020. loves his handspring, it’s like a brain upgrade.
021. is allergic to peanut butter, but eats it anyway
022. loves animals and treats his cat Newton like a son.
023. likes to have other people clean the apartment
024. wonders about his current girl.
025. was terrible in math, so got into computers.
026. knows all sorts of useless information, and shares it will those that will listen
027. is German, and can speak like a 5 year old, and read like a 12 year old in the language
028. has a long fuse, but god help you if you’re at ground zero. The anger passes quickly too
029. spends way too much time on his computer and online
030. looks scary but is really a very soft & sensitive person
031. has seen all of the muppet show episodes
032. works at imt services, inc. in pompano, Florida as a programmer/mis guy
033. attends ren-fairs, and is a medieval-techno-hippie hybrid
034. can’t smoke anything comfortably, but loves the food
035. is learning to juggle pins
036. loves to hug
037. loves children
038. has no ritual scarification, but does have a scar from surgery on his back
040. can sit still for hours on end
041. hasn’t driven a car in 4 years (hasn’t had a license in 6)
042. loves his friends, and is glad so many are available to him
043. snores like a freight train if allowed to sleep totally flat
044. only eats 2 meals a day tops, but drinks a flood of water
045. is good at spelling, but lousy at typing & proofing
046. rarely gets sick, maybe mild cold once a year, serious stuff every 5
047. uses ellipses a lot… because they’re cooler than commas.
048. loves candles and incense
049. has quite a checkered pharmaceutical past, but currently isn’t into that scene
050. sings to himself, and to Newton
051. is partial to warm earth tones like rust, orange and tans and cool colors (purples, and greens)
052. doesn’t watch much television (but listens to it in the background a lot)
053. really needs some new furniture, and a condo to put it in
054. is agnostic, but loves Christmas
055. loves the smell of sage and baking bread
056. has simulated wood paneling all over his current apartment
057. has worked as a clown & Santa’s helper
058. has a b.s. in systems analysis & design
059. is a master of tae qwon leap (ka-thump)
060. doesn’t fear the reaper
061. loves the Beatles’ music
062. likes to make up words
063. doesn’t understand why people wear leather clothes in Florida
064. likes to read things sdrawkcab
065. often forgives, rarely forgets
066. would eat a body if starving on a desert island (wouldn’t enjoy it though)
067. must be part girl, unafraid to ask for directions, happy to give up remote, cares for young
068. loves good surprises
069. rarely gets mad, gets annoyed about every 4 mos
070. got great grades in school…except for Spanish which killed my GPA, oddly I remember Spanish at about a 10th grade level
071. loves recliners and chairs where I can be next to others
072. wears the same necklace everyday, and will do so until it breaks, or another is hand-made
073. loves frogs, bears and simians, and is gifted with those themed things whenever gifts are given
074. believes in love at first sight (even if you don’t acknowledge it right away)
075. likes to sleep nude
076. finds girls more attractive than boys
077. isn’t superstitious, but has some odd habits
078. likes to carry kids on his shoulders
079. is positive he dreams in color
080. misses his old friends sometimes
081. is 6’6″ (1.9812 meters) and weighs 300 lbs (136 kilograms, .15 ton, or 136,077,712.34859 mg)
082. wants to remain childlike, and fears being childish
083. plays the tuba, sousaphone, baritone and most other3/4 valved brass
084. hates wearing ties
085. walks the 5 mile route regularly
086. loves bubble-baths
087. current favorite songs: house of the rising sun and army of me
088. is very much a night person, and has a job that lets him work 4m to midnight
089. thinks that he may be going deaf
090. likes science fiction and fantasy, unless it’s crap (and there’s a lot of it in those genres)
091. prefers to wear a beard whenever possible
092. has long hair, but it’s almost always up in a ponytail
093. loves the ocean and goes diving when it is possible
094. wonders how mankind has gotten so far while being such dopes
095. is very confident in himself, but allows that mistakes can be made
096. wants to be cremated when he dies (after his organs are donated to science, and any other needy recipients) and scattered in places that brought him joy
097. would love to be an astronaut, but fears depending on a corporation or worse, the government to supply him with air
098. has tiny fish Xmas lights around his window
099. loves the earth but thinks that she puts up with too much from her kids
100. loves listening to heart beats
101. misses the northeast, but hates to drive in snow
102. wears t-shirts and slacks constantly. Shorts only come out for swimming or when laundry is totally low.
103. has the nickname of scottobear, isn’t as hairy as robin williams or ed asner, but close
104. has blue eyes
105. hates having to be the ‘grown-up’ when having fun can be so nice
106. hates hot muggy weather
107. forgets what chicken tastes like
108. has had a web page since 1995
109. wonders how you can sell jello as food, even though it’s made from horse parts
110. loves his brother very much, and needs to tell him that more often
111. is a clutterbug, and needs to learn to pick up after himself
112. loves to walk in the woods
113. doesn’t mind bugs, prefers shooing them out instead of squishing them (but will let Newton kill for sport… its his nature)
114. wonders about getting a tattoo every 5 years, but never gets one
115. wants to see more of the world
116. misses his dad, even though when he was alive, rarely saw him
117. wants to get a job as ‘well-paid philanthropist’
118. waves at cemeteries, to cheer up the ghosts that might be stuck there (even though he suspects ghosts don’t exist)
119. knows some Morse code, and wants another shortwave
120. prefers short carpet or easily cleaned tile floors
121. doesn’t have a very good photographic record of his childhood
122. may never buy another CD again, if gnutella keeps this stuff up
123. wonders what the appeal of AOL is, and how they get his name to send all the coasters to him
124. is a little afraid to start driving again
125. has spent a lot of time on this list, but not as much as Punquin did on hers… thanks again for sparking my list!
A new buddy online!
Another local, this one more comfy with me reading posted stuff. MALAM is part of my gang, and a swell person to boot!
welcome to the community!
Hoody-hoo!
apparently April did get her job at Barnie’s… even though the manager she was supposed to call wasn’t in, she’s already on the schedule for Tuesday at 2:30! Such a relief… one less weight on ther shoulders, and now we can focus on the next items on the Big list o’ things to be done.
Unsure of the Order.
Get A Bigger Apt, Preferably a Condo.
Get a Car.
Get Driver’s License.
Get Bank Account.
Get Better Job For Scotto.
Get Another Kitty?
And on Scotto’s personal list of hopes & dreams-
Get my friends more integrated.
See some flippin’ movies! There’s a bucket I need to catch up on!
Say, do subject lines not appear when they’re not posted, or are they ‘no subject’ default? I guess We see once this lands in machine. My pal Hunter commented on my pic, and how it reminded him of a criminal in the phantom zone from the superman movies… I wonder where the monchichi looking guy from the 2nd film ended up? Stupid piece of trivia for you guys… Superman (the movie) was written by the same guy who did the Godfather… Mario Puzo. So, high quality by default, eh? Other stupid fact… I went to see, and vividly remember watching the film in 1978, and that was the year that my current girlfriend was born…Aiee… April never got to see King Kong, Superman, Star Wars, or Alien in the theater… even worse, I just realized those are all science fiction films that shaped my tiny little pea brain at the tender age of 8-10ish.
In other news…
Newton cat is still sick, but is animated, just not drinking his water. If he hasn’t slurped some tonight, I’ll call the Doc in the AM. He’s getting more affectionate with April, who plays with the doofus more than I do. I still am waiting on my webcam, but hopefully it’ll be on my site by the end of the week. Do any of you guys know what sort of programs, or what not to put on my site to run it? April looks like she’ll be getting a job at Barnie’s soon, is going ot call back tomorrow after 2, to figure out her schedule. She’s semi-officially living with me now, even though she’s still paying rent at the other apt. Apparently she’s told her ex-roomies that she won’t be sharing phone and power expenses with them, though, as she doesn’t use them. (She committed to the lease, and so will have storage there until October, I suppose.) I’m sort of bummed that nobody tried my toll-free voicemail, but I guess that’s the way it goes…
A title… Gah. Whoopsie part 3, the Final (I hope)
Well, She called me at midnight, apparently when I called her the last time, she was with the gang at the bookstore, and I sort of blindsided her. Final result? Me no tell, she no tell. I think all will be cool with it.
Whoops part 2
Well, I called her, and she would just as soon not know what I read. Fair enough… I’ll make a point of not reading that particular journal from now on. Her POV is, if she had wanted me to know, she’d have told me anything that I might’ve read. My only negative comment on that is, why publish to the net? It’s bound to get back to you sooner or later, unless your only hang out with the Amish. But, that said, I will make a point of not reading anything in my region if this happens again. I should’ve known… ah well, I was honest about it, and made my gesture, hopefully this won’t hurt our friendship.
Well, nuts.
I have no idea how it is that I manage to keep stumbling over people I know locally on a flippy journal site that is totally international. Now I’ve gone and read something that I don’t imagine a third party friend would have wanted me to hear unless he told me himself. I guess the quickest, most honest thing to do is to tell her that I saw her page. Nuts. The goofy thing is, I wonder if she’ll read this before I get to talk to her about it… it’s only 10:30 now… I think it’s still early enough to call her. yup. Man… how do I get into these situations?
Sakes! well, at least I have a picture up now! I’ll get the knack of layout and design slowly, but surely. (Heck, I haven’t even d/led the client proggie yet… doing it now. My poor net has been way slow tonight… 🙁 Upside, Newt seems to like his medicine and is eating well. I have his kitten pix up on the web… grown up (7mos will be around later.) Here’s a link to a slow loading image of him as a babe.
So, does everyone on this silly journalspace have a webcam but me? I was thinking aobut setting up a cam at the house, if just to see if I can do it, and to keep an Eye on my fine orange fuzzy friend Newton. Anyone out there have any suggestions for setting it up?