It’s very sad when some people are so hateful or mean-spirited, especially toward people I care about. The urge to be cruel in an individual is an ugly, nasty thing for the most part. What’s worse, it’s infectious.
When it comes down to me, there have been a few elements that have led to hostility. In times past, finding a common enemy is the fastest way to make the wrong kind of friends. Joining with someone else to belittle a third party was a very easy trap to fall into, especially if the third party knows nothing about it. I’ve been guilty of instigating and joining into that sort of nonsense more times than I can count, really, only realizing it upon later reflection do I feel bad about it. Pam was someone that brought out my mean side (and I imagine I brought hers out, too), to the point that I really didn’t like the person I was when she was around. We were great friends, but that friendship seemed to be almost fueled on some sort of smug sense of superiority and taking shots at others. When we had run out of enemies to remover, we turned our respective gun-barrels on one another. I can honestly say that I’ve been a much better person without her around as a catalyst for those mannerisms and behaviors, and I daresay that she’s probably in a similar situation. I don’t know what’d happen if we got together and talked these days… I like to think that I’d know better than to fall into that habit again, but who knows? I don’t foresee that ever happening, anyhow. Where we were once best friends, she saw to it that that friendship was brought to an end not once, but twice. I don’t see it being worth any effort to open communications a third time.
I’ve got friendships salvaged with Ray, a longstanding one with Danny, and newer friendships both online and off with my sweetheart, the hippies, some LJers and Therians. I consider Doug Wu a friend, though I don’t get to speak with him as often as I’d like. Honestly, I don’t spend enough time with the majority of my friends.. .Danny’s about the only one I communicate with as regularly as I’d prefer. Anyhow, back to general hostilities, and why.
In recent years, I’ve been known to be amazingly hostile and nasty in return to folks that have:
- Hurt, knowingly or unknowingly, people that I care about
- Invaded my territory without permission first
- Broken trust or an oath that I was relying on.
- Touched me without my permission (either expressed or implied)
- Tried to threaten my position in business, friendship or love (regardless of whether or not that threat had any strength behind it.)
I try my best not to be that way these days, though sometimes the uglies get out… especially if I’m tired or really fed up. I’ve found that staying clear-headed in the face of most drama and trauma you usually come out far ahead than if you drop to hostility. That’s not to say that I let people walk all over me… I just try to keep a cool head, and defuse them with clear thought. That usually works far better than doing anything harsh, cruel or petty. My fuse is pretty long, but some things wear on my nerves. It should be clarified that this mostly applies to strangers… I don’t mind friendly hugs and don’t trust strangers enough to worry about them breaking an oath.
Danny has told me that he sometimes feels more mean or nasty when his chemistry is out of whack, and I can agree with that. He’s generally a happy, friendly guy, with very little interest in being hostile, but I’ve seen cracks in his armor form once or twice.
All of that said, I’m usually the exact opposite of mean…downright nice, even. I take a lot of pleasure in welcoming new people “into the fold” at work or other social groups, and getting to know them. I’m usually even nice to people I dislike, for the sake of diplomacy, if nothing else. Speaking of people I dislike, but tolerate… my insurance company: my shampoo-nurse came by, and my hair is clean, but my scalp is tingly from being scrubbed for the first time in over a week. bleah. I hope I never have to wait that long again.
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