Man, I feel lousy. I don’t like where I am right now, relationship-wise, and job-wise things could be better. I keep forgetting about the hard parts of a relationship, and now my petty mind is harping on all the little chafe-y things that bother me when I’m not love-drunk. Honestly, I was getting by well enough alone, but being with someone is nice, too. I know she’s got some sort of family issues, with both parents. I don’t know, maybe her behaivior comes from there. The thing is, I don’t care where certain behaiviors start from, I just want postive stuff to continue, and negative stuff to cease. Deception and fear only hurt. And I’m feeling pretty low…

Well, either I made a positive step last night, or I screwed up big time. I confronted April about her feelings for me, basically asked her where she thought we stood. She reacted poorly, as I told her that I was feeling frustrated and less than equal in our relationship. I may have gone over the line when I asked if she was using me. (I really can’t tell sometimes what is better asked directly, and what is better phrased diplomatically. I know I prefer someone to shoot straight with me.) Lately it’s seemed that I’ve been actively giving, and she actively taking, but not much on the reverse flow. Before I commit to falling for her any more than I already have, I want to know that my affection is reciprocated, and that she’s not just in this for room and board. Honestly, why can’t I find someone who gives as well as they get? Am I just being too needy? Feh. For what it’s worth, it’s been fun having someone to go out with, and talk to late into the night, but I want something that feels more genuine. I guess the next day or so will hold the answers.

I’ll try to be more entertaining next post, honest.