Getting Old Sucks
lyrics, vocals: T. Rockwell
music: T. Uliasz
background vocals: T. Uliasz, L. Sienkowski
It really sucks to get old, or so I was told
When I was growing up, now I’m watching it unfold
As I’m showing up for work where I have a broken chair
And some carpel tunnel syndrome from too much solitaire
I remember a time not long ago
When my hair was growing thicker on my head than in my nose
And my toes didn’t have any hair or weird dents
Now I’m poppin’ Rolaids from a Pez dispenser
Everything hurts, or makes a funny noise
And now I have to pay for all of my own toys
And I avoid any physical exertion, I’m amazed
That the simplest tasks leave me sore for days
My prospects for walking get a little bit bleaker
As my butt gets larger and my knees get weaker
And I hate to admit it but it’s true
I pulled a muscle in my back while I was tying my shoe
Damn, it sucks to get old (huh?)
Damn, it sucks to get old (say what?)
Damn, it sucks to get old (huh?)
Damn, it sucks to get old (what?)
“I have no idea what he’s saying. I can’t understand him one bit. Can you?”
“No, I can’t stand him either.”
You know you’re getting old and things’ll never be the same
The day a little kid beats you in a video game
How they remember the moves and the combos and quirks
I’ll never know, but hey, I remember the Snorks
When I was a kid we didn’t have the internet
Which of course made porn a lot harder to get
And our cars didn’t have GPS we had a mess
Of a map that you couldn’t refold for crap
I used to stay out late on a date get drunk
As a skunk, stumble home, get up and feel great
Now, I’m home by eight to watch MacGyver
And the only thing I’m drinking is for supplemental fiber
Back then I would pretend I was Captain Kirk
Now I have a desk and I pretend to work
I don’t wanna be a kid again or even twenty-four again
But it would be nice if I could get up off the floor again
Damn, it sucks to get old (uh-huh)
Damn, it sucks to get old (yep)
Damn, it sucks to get old (uh-huh)
Damn, it sucks to get old (yep)
“Oh, so you can understand him now?”
“No, I’m just pretending to listen. Like I do with my wife.”
“Back when I was a teenager, girls didn’t go around shaking their booty and showing their boobs. There was no Girls Gone Wild. Oh God I’m depressed.”
“Back when I was a boy, video games only cost a quarter. And all you were was a dot who ate other dots.”
You begin to forget things like
Who you are, where you are, why you’re where you are
How’d you get to where you are, and where the Hell’d you park the car
And if you walk too far will you need some CPR?
How’d your life get so bizarre and how the Hell’d you get that scar
Your life becomes filled with more questions than answers
Like what happened to the Solid Gold dancers?
Should I get checked for cancer? Do you know where
My pants are? And what the Hell’s a “male enhancer?”
I don’t need fashion tips from gay men
‘Cause finally some of my clothes are back in style again
So now I just need to be a little more svelte
And get rid of this gut that’s hanging over my belt
I’m checking out the hottie in the checkout line
Her name is Melanie, but it’s a felony for what I have in mind
That’s a plan that I don’t understand
How a thirty-something turns into a dirty old man, but
The worst feeling is the day you realize
Our elected officials are just spewing real lies
One is pure evil so you can’t vote for him
But the other one couldn’t teach a duck to swim
Damn, it sucks to get old (uh-huh)
Damn, it sucks to get old (yep)
Damn, it sucks to get old (uh-huh)
Damn, it sucks to get old (yep)
“Back in my day Michael Jackson went on dates with Brooke Shields, and he made the most fantastical music. He was the King of Pop I tell ya!”
“Back in my day Yoda was a puppet. “
