hu·mor (hymr)
n.

1. The quality that makes something laughable or amusing; funniness: could not see the humor of the situation.
2. That which is intended to induce laughter or amusement: a writer skilled at crafting humor.
3. The ability to perceive, enjoy, or express what is amusing, comical, incongruous, or absurd. See Synonyms at wit¹.
4. One of the four fluids of the body, blood, phlegm, choler, and black bile, whose relative proportions were thought in ancient physiology to determine a person’s disposition and general health.
5. Physiology.
   1. A body fluid, such as blood, lymph, or bile.
   2. Aqueous humor.
   3. Vitreous humor.
6. A person’s characteristic disposition or temperament: a boy of sullen humor.
7. An often temporary state of mind; a mood: I’m in no humor to argue.
8. 1. A sudden, unanticipated whim. See Synonyms at mood¹.
   2. Capricious or peculiar behavior.

v. tr. hu·mored, hu·mor·ing, hu·mors.

1. To comply with the wishes or ideas of; indulge.
2. To adapt or accommodate oneself to. See Synonyms at pamper.

Idioms:

out of humor

In a bad mood; irritable.

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[Middle English fluid, from Old French umor, from Latin mor.]

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word of the day…. (sounds like it refers to a potty to me)

commodious kuh-MOH-dee-us, adjective:
Comfortably or conveniently spacious; roomy; as, a commodious house.

Commodious derives from the Latin commodus, “conforming to measure, hence convenient or fit for a particular purpose,” from com-, “with” + modus, “measure.”

amazingly unpissed.

big brain (my huge computer of normally great might and strength…) is 90% dead.

things that need repair:

usb ports (by extension, usb modem, webcam, palm cradle)
dsl net connect
dial-up net connect
video drivers
sound drivers
joystick port

bad ram, maybe
bad processor, maybe

fortunately, I have my laptop, or I’d be more ripped than the hulk’s purple pants.

Having A Penis, No Longer Defines Man
=================================
In a far-reaching decision that sets forth new legal criteria for gender identification, the Kansas Court of Appeals ruled Friday that J’Noel Gardiner, who had a sex change operation in 1994, is entitled to a court hearing on whether she should receive a portion of her late husband’s $2.5 million estate. A three-judge panel overturned a Leavenworth County probate judge who declared the 1998 marriage of Marshall and J’Noel Gardiner void because she “was born a male and remains a male for purposes of marriage under Kansas law.”
“we can no longer be permitted to conclude who is male or who is female by the amount of facial hair one has or the size of one’s feet.”
http://www.kcstar.com/item/pages/story,local/3accaa16.511,.html

Microsoft – WH0 D0 J00 WANT T0 0WNXOR T0DAY
=================================
The back door was included in software shipped with Microsoft’s Windows NT operating system, the company confirmed. Hackers knowing how to exploit the vulnerability could access any site using FrontPage 98 extensions, Microsoft said. FrontPage, a Web authoring and site management software package, requires that special software code–or extensions–be present on the Web site for all features to be available.

To exploit the weakness, a hacker would also need authoring privileges on a particular Web server. By accessing a single file, called “dvwssr.dll,” the hacker could write a script allowing access to many more files on the site.
“This is a vulnerability because it allows an author on one Web site on a shared server to see anything on another server,” said Steve Lipner, manager of Microsoft’s Security Response Center. “That’s the extent of the vulnerability.”
http://news.cnet.com/news/0-1003-200-1696137.html

Yo, That Tie Be DOPE, Dawg!
=================================
These days gang members don’t always look like thugs.
Taking advice from older criminals–some imprisoned, some retired but consulting, some still active–many hard-core gang members have traded their outfits for a more conservative look, a look police say enables them to expand into white-collar crimes without the early warning the old costume set off.
http://www.latimes.com/news/state/20010514/t000040581.html

Packaged Rebellion
=================================
Coming soon to a store near you: Black Panther Party backpacks for the kids, a leather jacket for Dad and oversized Huey Newton T-shirts for Mom to wear around the house.

And now available on the Web: barbecue sauce from Hells Angels founder Sonny Barger and home-grown recipes from alleged Liberation Army member Sara Jane Olson.
http://www.contracostatimes.com/partners/ns/panthers_20010514.htm

British Mums-to-be Too Posh to Push
=================================
The modern expectation of a pain-free life may be behind an increase in Caesarean sections in Britain, according to discussions at a recent Royal College of Midwives conference, where some midwives say comfortable, middle-class women are simply “too posh to push.”Caesareans account for 20% of births in the United Kingdom, up from 5% in 1972 and 10% in 1985. In Canada, 18.7% of hospital births were Caesarean sections in 1997-98, up from 17.7% five years earlier.
The study could not explain the decline in natural births, but suggested possible reasons included a desire to avoid pain or post-birth problems like incontinence, and the demands of working women to plan their childbirths.
http://www.nationalpost.com/home/story.html?f=/stories/20010514/562540.html

The New Ketchup
=================================
After unwrapping her first McDonald’s cheeseburger, Jackie Wollenberg noticed a brownish-red stain on the bottom of the bun. Thinking it was juice from the beef, she tore that part of the bread away and finished the burger.
When Wollenberg unwrapped her second cheeseburger from its yellow paper, she saw what appeared to be a bloody fingerprint on the wrapper. Then she looked at the bun and saw two drops of something that looked like blood on the top.
Horrified, she went to the counter of the West Bay Boulevard restaurant and asked whether an employee had recently been cut. A young man with a bandaged hand who identified himself as a manager approached, she said.
http://www.sptimes.com/News/051301/NorthPinellas/Woman_says_burger_has.shtml

A Million Bullets For A Million Moms
=================================
Stephen Pistolakis, 61, of Shawnee Drive was arrested late Saturday and accused of making terroristic threats against one of the organizers of the Million Mom March postponed yesterday in Albany, police said. The march was among several scheduled in New York state supporting gun-control measures.
He allegedly referred to marchers as “Nazis” in a message saying, “I’ve got a million bullets for a million Mothers,” on Vivian’s voice mail around 6:35 a.m. Friday, according to the police report.

http://www.injersey.com/news/app/story/0,2110,393601,00.html

I just got home from work. I was going to write a lovely bit of tumor fiction, but I’m too tired. 🙁

I have a concept rattling aorund in my skull though. Hairy, toothy tumors with human brain matter are the stuff nightmares are made of.

Who: N/A
When: Oct-1991
Where: N/A
What: 303 lbs

——————————————————————————–

The largest tumor removed intact was a multicystic mass of the right ovary weighing 137.6 kg. (303 lb.). The operation was performed by Professor Katherine O’Hanlan of Stanford University Medical Center, California, USA.

The growth had a diameter of 1 m. (3 ft.) and was removed in its entirety in October, 1991, from the abdomen of an unnamed 34-year-old woman. The patient – who weighed 95 kg. (210 lb.) after the operation, and who has made a full recovery – left the operating theatre on one stretcher, with her cyst on another.

Side note – (The woman who had the tumor was agoraphobic and had been bed-ridden for the last two years. It was in her abdomen. When they did the pathology report they found out it was benign but had “hair and teeth” growing in it. )

More info – from my hero, Cecil of the straight dope –

A friend told me about a woman who had a tumor removed from her ovary (or something in that area), and the tumor had hair and teeth. She was young and I think a virgin, so this couldn’t have been the beginnings of a baby. Have you heard of this happening, or is my friend pulling my leg?

All together now: Ewwwwww.

No, the tumor wasn’t the beginnings of a baby. But yeah, it might have had hair and teeth. Dunno about you, but this ranks way up there on the list of things I could stand not to know.

The tumor we’re talking about here is called a teratoma. At one time teratomas (which are usually benign) were thought to originate in some sort of embryonic or quasi-embryonic cell gone wrong. But most experts now consider them a type of germ-cell tumor–in this case a tumor involving an egg. Though the egg is unfertilized, tumor-driven cell division results in a lot of the same stuff you see in a developing fetus, including cartilage, bone, teeth, hair, brain tissue, and sometimes even bowel, skull, vertebrae, and eyes. It’s all chaotically arranged and bears no resemblance to an actual embryo. Nonetheless, since larger teratomas can weigh several pounds … well, I suppose all cancer is pretty weird. But this kind is weirder than most.

I found images, http://hsc.virginia.edu/med-ed/path/gyn/ovary3.html at that site. search the page for the word tooth, if you dare.

This is totally fascinating to me… A tumor using t-cells to build some pretty advanced body elements. pointed my noggin in this direction when we got to talking about goiters and gout. you have to admire a girl that can be clinical and enjoy the ick factor, as well as the scientific aspects of a concept such as this.

Man Who Used Mom’s Neck As Tee – Can’t Sue Dr.
=================================
Three days after Alfred L. Head walked out of the psychiatric unit at Inova Fairfax Hospital in July 1998, he beat his mother to death with a baseball bat in their Reston home. Less than two months earlier, he’d been in the same unit after slashing his throat to the windpipe and leaping headfirst off a balcony. Yesterday, a Fairfax County jury rejected his father’s claim that Head’s doctors and nurses were responsible for Zona Head’s death because they let Head leave the hospital. A separate suit for medical negligence, filed by Head himself, is still pending. “I could lose control at any time. I could end it right here.”
http://washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A12621-2001May10.html

More Pot! Less… Less… I Forget But We Should Have Less
=================================
Berkeley’s newly adopted medical marijuana ordinance once again became the center of debate last night, when 180 patients, doctors, and activists protested the amount of legal possession. Protesters argued that the ordinance, passed by the Berkeley City Council in March, is too restrictive.
http://www.dailycal.org/article.asp?id=5527&ref=news

Dear Killer
=================================
Looking for a pen pal? David Anderson might be just the guy. Or maybe Steven Sherer. That is, of course, if you don’t mind that Sherer is locked in prison near Walla Walla for the next 60 years for killing his wife, whose body has never been found. “If you’re willing to take a chance and look past the charge I’m being held for, which I did not do, then write me and let’s see where this goes,”
http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/localnews/134294252_anderson11m.html

Caregiver Lets Parents Have It
=================================
Parents of an autistic child have alleged that one of their son’s caregivers left harassing voice messages for them during their son’s treatment.
“You’re the criminal for letting your wife drink alcohol while she was pregnant with Ronnie, giving him fetal alcohol syndrome and therefore being born autistic,” the voice on the message says. “You’re the criminal, you —hole.”
“That’s OK, go ahead and quote me. You’re a jerk. You’re a fricking jerk.”
http://www.thenewmexicochannel.com/alb/news/stories/newmexiconews-76464320010510-090500.html

WNBA to Target Lesbians
=================================
Team-sanctioned appearances by Sol players at lesbian bars are a regular occurrence, Mayo said, and their marketing department places ads in local lesbian magazines.
http://www.planetout.com/pno/news/article.html?2001/05/10/3

Men Don’t Love Women With Tumors
=================================
SAN FRANCISCO (Reuters) – Men are more likely than women to leave spouses with cancerous brain tumors, a stressful diagnosis that has led to a surprisingly high divorce rate for female patients, a U.S. researcher said on Saturday.
http://my.aol.com/news/news_story.psp?type=1&cat=0200&id=0105122012095396

New School Puzzles
=================================
When a substitute teacher asked students in a sixth-grade math class at Elwood Middle School to ponder how Farmer Brown would rid his garden of pesky rabbits, they dove into the brain teaser. Farmer Brown had a chance to eradicate the animals using everything from a shotgun to a howitzer.
But this time, bizarre scenarios were portrayed in the stories. In addition to Farmer Brown’s task, one problem asked students to contemplate how beer-brand-named teachers, like Mrs. Schlitz, would punish noisy students. The options included no recess, whipping and shooting.
http://www.indystar.com/print/citystate/fri/articles/regionlead11.html

Attack On Baby!
=================================
An incident involving a 23-month-old baby who was bitten at least 12 times by an adult is under investigation by Abilene police.

http://www.click2houston.com/sh/news/texas/stories/news-texas-77084220010513-120515.html

Doctor Heals Patients With Penis
=================================
A local doctor who used sex to “cure” patients was arrested Friday and charged with a rare felony crime. Dr. Marvin Stone was arrested after the Houston Police Department Vice Squad uncovered that his therapy sessions included sex with patients. Police said that male patients were given women to have sex with.
“He verbally depicted what sex he was going to receive, what kind of therapy he was going to receive: anal sex, oral sex, regular sex,”
http://www.click2houston.com/hou/news/stories/news-77026520010511-190507.html

White History Month Canceled
=================================
Virginia Gov. Jim Gilmore has revoked a proclamation declaring May “European Heritage and History Month” after learning that a white separatist group had made the request.
http://www.newsmax.com/archives/articles/2001/5/11/152202.shtml

ossify AH-suh-fy, intransitive verb:
1. To change into bone.
2. To become hardened or set in a rigidly conventional pattern.

transitive verb:
1. To become bone; to change from a soft tissue to a hard bony tissue.
2. To harden; to mold into a rigidly conventional pattern.

Life Savehair mats

An Alabama hair salon owner has patented a method for cleaning up oil spills by using recycled human hair clippings.

And you can help protect marine life by going door to door, collecting hair.

Ha, not really, but the first part is true.

Warning, foul language below… but a basic truth, too.
Continue reading →

So this guy dies in his rocking chair. Papers keep being delivered, the grass keeps growing, the neighbors are getting pissed. But no one realizes the guy is dead until four years later when someone buys the house at a delinquent taxes auction and walks in to find a corpse in the living room.

also-

Watermelons
Green Buddhas
On the fruit stand.
We eat the smile
And spit out the teeth

-Charles Simic

Excitement update. I’ve trimmed the goatee… nice and neat now, not quite the paintbrush it was becoming, but the bristles are still soft. They’re still stroke-worthy for when I’m deep in thought, and I don’t see them being itchy, but tickly.

I had a vivid dream the other day of being older… maybe it’s the mother’s day coming up, but I was married and had a little daughter…she was perhaps 7 years old, and a complete terror….but I was reveling in it. She, her mom, and I were in a park, and she way too exuberant to be sane.

The old ‘cover sheet’ for my dream journal/home page.
(best viewed on a light background…originally a sort of cream)