Dear Asplundh (if that’s even your real name),
We know you’re up to something. You and your obscenely loud colored “tree-trimming” vehicles. Look, I don’t even want to know what. Maybe the government, maybe terrorists, maybe aliens, maybe little angry Dutch children, but WHOEVER you are really affiliated with,and WHOEVER you are doing the dirty work for, I promise you one thing: You won’t get me. That’s right. I defy you. Myself, and millions (well, thousands. . . .well, hundreds. . . .well maybe just me) of others have noticed your suspicious activities, and we will no longer ignore the threat you pose to us and our children. Did you think we wouldn’t notice that your trucks stake out various, highly suspicious, areas for days? That we wouldn’t notice that you travel in fleets often ridiculous in size to accomplish the menial job being performed for a particular “client”. That we wouldn’t notice that all your employees are strangely all very large and muscular?? (Yeah right, the fact that they supposedly do very difficult outdoor labor has anything to do with this; sure) We are ON to you guys. Better watch your step. I won’t promise that the next Asplundh truck sitting near *my* driveway won’t become squirrel chow. Oh yeah! And were do you even get “Asplundh” from?? An ancient Nordic Curse, no doubt. I shudder when I think about what “vegetation management” your company performs. [shudder]. Possible meanings? A secret army of Radishes (how long has it been since I have eaten a radish?!) to take over the world? Filling every tree in the forest with a network of listening devices? Revenge on those people in the world who always win the “Lawn of the Month” award in their neighborhood over you, by poisoning their tulips? I already know that for my act of boldness I will be hunted down and tortured for questioning, but I am not afraid. My stand here today will turn over a new “leaf” for your company.
You have been warned.
John
