All posts by scottobear

Finality.

Well, April and I have broken up, amicably. I was feeling used and she says she was feeling like she was obliged to me. I don’t think we’ll continue to room together, as I don’t feel I could handle it, and I think she only wants to room with me for the cable, smaller rent bill, internet and access to Newton. Heck with that. Even though I would enjoy having the cost break in rent and food, I don’t think I would deal well with a friend I used to have sex with living under my roof and sharing my bed (just to sleep in). Man. Sakes.

More tummy trouble.

Man, I feel lousy. I don’t like where I am right now, relationship-wise, and job-wise things could be better. I keep forgetting about the hard parts of a relationship, and now my petty mind is harping on all the little chafe-y things that bother me when I’m not love-drunk. Honestly, I was getting by well enough alone, but being with someone is nice, too. I know she’s got some sort of family issues, with both parents. I don’t know, maybe her behaivior comes from there. The thing is, I don’t care where certain behaiviors start from, I just want postive stuff to continue, and negative stuff to cease. Deception and fear only hurt. And I’m feeling pretty low…

Trouble Brewing for Scotto…

Well, either I made a positive step last night, or I screwed up big time. I confronted April about her feelings for me, basically asked her where she thought we stood. She reacted poorly, as I told her that I was feeling frustrated and less than equal in our relationship. I may have gone over the line when I asked if she was using me. (I really can’t tell sometimes what is better asked directly, and what is better phrased diplomatically. I know I prefer someone to shoot straight with me.) Lately it’s seemed that I’ve been actively giving, and she actively taking, but not much on the reverse flow. Before I commit to falling for her any more than I already have, I want to know that my affection is reciprocated, and that she’s not just in this for room and board. Honestly, why can’t I find someone who gives as well as they get? Am I just being too needy? Feh. For what it’s worth, it’s been fun having someone to go out with, and talk to late into the night, but I want something that feels more genuine. I guess the next day or so will hold the answers.

I’ll try to be more entertaining next post, honest.

Recently…

This was a busy week. I came back from an educational trip through history with Abraham Lincoln, Robin Hood, and Joseph Stalin. After they taught me how traditional values can still be applied in today’s age of wisecracking cartoon animals and future toilets, I introduced them all to “ice cream” and we adopted a high spirited orphan. We were too busy in our beach-running/food fight musical montage to notice that this was the same little orphan that Mantak the Xandarian needed to lead his race to galactic domination.

As you may know from episode #38 of Star Zappers, adopting a Xandarian dictator’s chosen military leader is like pissing down the piss-sensitive cleavage of an Andorian princess. And it takes a lot less than that for Mantak to blast you into oblivion. So we had two choices – Give up our new orphan, or fight. Even with Stalin’s ability to starve Ukranians, Abraham Lincoln’s top hat, Robin Hood’s sissy-tipped arrows, and Abe’s pajamas decorated with small pictures of top hats, we wouldn’t stand a chance against the Xandarian combat fleet. There was only one way we could fight Mantak AND get enough money for our orphan’s pony – ROCK into Space, the Intergalactic Battle of the Bands.

This didn’t make our chances much better. Mantak’s band, Flux Maximo and the Poop Troop, had won ROCK into Space for the last 17 space years. And they specialized in dirty tricks.

We nervously waited backstage while the Tralfamadorian/Globetrotter basketball game for domination of Sector Gamma went into overtime. We passed the time by crossing our fingers and hoping our mixture of bouncy pop and smiles was enough to overcome Flux Maximo’s elaborate pranks and sabotage. The cold Stalin kept his fingers seperated and used the extra time to run through “Love’s Gonna Getcha!” with our new drummer – Ockdiggity, the talking octopus. Plus, I found a rare Captain Snoogie comic.

When it was our turn we played our hearts out. Rainbows and flowers radiated out of us like we were the good guy band in an intergalactic battle of the bands. I may have lost, had my orphan taken away for military reprogramming, and watched my historical friends be ejected into the coldness of space, but at least I have a pizza.

Threads

At times I struggle valiantly to find
The word or phrase that I think best will scan,
Will show emotions known to every man,
Or ones that all men hope to never face.
To search a realm that none have ever trod,
Where everyone has purpose, known to God.
To seek a string that leaps with vibrant song,
And find such, out of mankinds teeming throng,
Inside the soul of some forgotten clod.
Or, by weaving words as spiders silk,
Create a shadowed corner in some forgotten space
With its own mores, its laws, its loves, its ilks.
To find the words which best describe this place
And strike the hearts of readers with their truth!

I need to tell exactly how I feel,
And fill some soul, some person with my zeal,
Emoting it in every shape and kind.
I want to lend my seeing to the blind,
My thoughts and voice to tender to the dumb,
My trust and hope to those who cannot find
These in themselves, and then act as a guide
To show them what they all posess inside,
Abilities and joy beyond their dreams,
And bring these to them with only a word.

Yet, when I try my work oft seems absurd.
I can’t unlock the demon that’s within
And set it loose to set me straight again.
And Conscience cries to me “There is no use
In trying to continue this charade.
All that you do just furthers your abuse,
You pitiful pretense, you thin facade!
How dare you speak of, in such glowing words,
What your eyes have not seen and ears have not heard?
How dare you speak of love, of hope, of joy,
That you have never felt, experience true?
You go beyond yourself, you foolish boy!”

To which I then reply “What is your base
To tell me what ideals I can’t embrace?
Though I have not experience in these,
Insight leaves them bare as winter trees
T’inspect, and find the processes which mold
all human lives, the young, the mad, the bold.
And Insight shows me how a man may feel
When he has gained a friend or lost a love,
When he has learned to hurt or learned to heal,
And what he might think of the stars above.
Insight shows the paths that each must take,
The sacrifice and choices each must make,
Unveils the threads common to every man,
Their origins, their branches, and their plan.

And though my insight is of small respect,
That little is enough to understand
The smallest part of Man’s infinite range,
And with creativeness to twist or change
The circumstances governing a man,
Or put my place in his, and circumspect
The world he inhabits, then reflect
On what I’d do if I were in his stead, his head,
Or ponder what he did or thought or said
Until I find the thread that links it all
To some universality, some call
We all feel, whether fought or taken in,
Whether it is of duty or of sin,
And transform this to words with but a pen.”

There is no knack to this, no secret rite,
It just is writing simply what seems right.
You don’t write, the thought writes you,
And not the priviledge of chosen few,
It is something anyone can do
If they have the will to understand
The threads that run through each and every man.

I am breath and plastic,
and no predators
wait in the tall grass
and no men come to burn my village

to make me grow meat around my words.

The time of sharpened bone
and polished bone
is long past
and will not come again.

But I can see my heart:

it is hung huge in the sky
reflecting the world, mapping it
for my eyes

it is sprawled high in the mountains
beating the darkness, splashing it
toward my feet.

And in a time
without kings or carvers

I know I can follow
misty sliver
or meandering stream

And remain not safe
not safe
but awake in the night.

Roadwork

She squeezes the grape, rolling and crushing
until it is seed and skin and pulp and wet
spread on her palm,

She reads the mess like tea leaves
or the entrails of a goat.

She sighes,
brushes it off on a pants leg,
and does not reach for another too quickly,

for she has a whole bag,
and I and the bench the whole day for her.

We can always catch the world
when it comes back around again.

Just a Bean Burrito, please…

Taco Bell employees could fold you into oblivion. Maybe they can’t count or speak the language of the country they live in, and the band-aids on their oral herpes sores fall into your food, but Taco Bell employees are the foremost origami masters in the world. They have 3000 different lard-boiled flatulent treats – and ONE WRAPPER to put them all in. Even the Trainees, who get to proudly wear their status on their bean encrusted shirts can perfectly fold one of the 3,000,000 names on the wrapper to be in the exact center of a burrito.

I thought the people that worked there were just kids Taco Bell traded from smugglers for some beads and cigarettes, but hand one a magazine and they could fold you a time machine. I don’t know if it’s the most amazing origami training since the ancient Babylonians trained goats to fold special hats, or if all Taco Bell employees are from some kind of tiny specialized gene pool like Mormons or Sasquatch, but I do know this: If we ever stop eating, for any reason – we just might give these bastards time to destroy us. As soon as they stop screaming from grease splatter burns, we’ll be at the mercy of them and their unstoppable army of paper warriors.

More of the same…

April seems to be determined to squiggle out of going to the doctor. I pushed a little today, mainly because I feel that she needs to see him. Latest excuse (of many) is : I want to wait until I get paid to go, I don’t want you to pay for it. Heck, I told her, I spend hundreds of dollars on her for frivolous stuff, the important stuff, if you want, pay me back. Nope! No dice. I should just blow it off, but I’m concerned for her well-being. I also have to make an appointment with the doc about my bronchitis kicking up again… (Teach me to date a smoker. bleah.) Well, at least Newton is healthy. Actually, on thinking about it, I’m going to hit the doc sometime after friday, I’ll call and make an appointment now. The best way to lead is by example, right? Hm. Here’s some more wirting for those of you that don’t care about the Scotto-soap opera. but first a mini-rant. My pal Alex moved to San Jose a few months ago. He assured me that we’d stay in contact, etc,etc. I saw him on AIM once and he was quite brief, then took off. From what I understand he’s still in frequent contact with Heather, daily, I think. It sort of irks me, but it falls into my current situation in ‘meatspace’. If a person moves away, and is not bound by blood ties, I lose contact with them. I don’t know if I attract lazy friends & aquaintances, or if it’s just the way things are, but I thought that friends kept in touch? anyhow, enough of that noise. I met Erin last night here, and she’s a pleasant and witty girl, who shares my interest in gigglecam, and all things nifty like that.

And now:

Half-light
==========

If you took all the hours
I should have been asleep
but wasn’t

And added in all the hours
I should have been awake
but wasn’t

And multiplied by all the things
I missed, or messed up,
or did halfway
because of the above combination

You’d have wasted a lot of time
counting the cost for me
which is kind of ironic

After all, I’ve already paid the toll
for my time in shadow.

poetry genreated by cmdrtaco.net, from this site

this-
http://cmdrtaco.net/poemgen.cgi?url=http%3A%2F%2Fscottobear.livejournal.com

produced this-

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