Bon Jovi.

Remember how they showed how being a rock star was totally like being a cowboy? Their microphones were really “guns” and their tour bus was a “steel horse.” People that saw Bon Jovi knew to be careful. Because their guitars were kind of rifles if you pretended hard enough. Also, they might rock your face.

Bon Jovi, I know how high you have to be to start believing things like that. I once told everyone my couch was a magic boat and the carpet was lava. But I have no idea how high you have to get before you start singing songs about it. I never recorded a song about me rocking faces on my magic couch boat and how much of a lava pirate it made me.

It was a nice try, Jon Bon, but nobody really thought you were a cowboy. And we sort of figured out how the only time rockers and cowboys have anything in common is when you change some of the words in our language to mean two totally different things. You might as well have been singing about how you guys were firemen. Like your monitor speakers were firehoses and no wait! You should have written a song about how you were Chewbacca! And like your bus is a big spaceship and the “loaded” guitar on your back is actually a backpack full of C3PO parts. An-and your microphone is a big chunk of meat attached to an Ewok net! Now that I think about it, being a rock star is exactly like being Chewbacca.